Undesired heartache.

Everytime I think I am getting use to it, something smacks me in the face and knocks me back to reality. Knocks me back to the depression, back into myself. Back into myself when I fought so hard to get out. People rely on friends, family and some even rely on their God. What do you rely on when you feel alone. When you know you are not alone, but you feel like you are alone. When you do not believe in God. For the God you grew up learning about would never cause so much pain inside someone. Cause so many tears for someone. Cause someones heart to break so often.

I do not speak of losing a boyfirend. I am not talking about a fight with a friend. I talk about what your God has put women on this Earth to do; have children. How can your God cause someone who dedicates their entire life to helping children to not be able to have children? How can your God make that choice. It is not his choice to make, it is mine. I will never believe in your God, you can have him. I do not look at you differently for following or believing in your God, but he is not my God.

My heart breaks more and more. I cannot seem to shake the feeling. To shake the feeling of a complete failure. Yes, there is adoption and other ways, but we cannot just decide to try and have a child. Time and money must be expended. Expended to a cause that is not for sure. Expended to hopes and dreams. While we sit and wait, others don't even try and get the wonders of a child. Unwed women become pregnant when they don't even want them. Teens have children not wanting them. Adults have children not wanting them. How could you not want something so precious, something that is nothing but a gift.

To know their are kids who are not wanted, who are raised in a family who does not want them breaks my heart even more. How could they have the children I want so bad. How is that fare? I get life is not fare, but this is unbearable. I don't know what to do, my chest hurts, my body aches, and my eyes swell shut with tears.

Why?